Dankie

Dat jy my nog nooit soos 'n mens kon behandel nie.
Vir waar ek net wou uitpraat, jy my in die rede val, en dan afsny.
Dat jy my in die moeilikste tyd van my lewe, my abandon het.
Vir die afgelope twee jaar my soos 'n dier behandel.

#100 - An Open Letter Of Remorse

I really did wish, my heart would have found happiness by the 100th post. Unfortunately, still plagued with my memories of you. Funny how I could easily forget our anniversary, but I cannot forget you. Now you're gone. And here I am 'celebrating' my hundreth post, wishing I could turn back time.

Strange how, we really only appreciate someone, once we have lost them. I don't know what I was thinking with you. I spent 3 years trying to win your heart over. Endured a year of torture, while you were dating your first real love. A year of waiting for mine, enduring the conjured thoughts of you, and him, and closed doors. You came back to me! Even then, I tried so hard, until the day, that you decided to give me the benefit of your doubt. A few weeks before your birthday. From there, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it was because Ive been alone for so long. Maybe because I'm an old, worn soul and you were my first girlfriend. I neglected you, because I wanted to be alone. Turned down an opportunity to go with you on holiday, because I wanted to be alone. Canceled a Christmas lunch with your family, because I wanted to be alone.
While you deserved nothing more than my complete attention, my complete dedication.

And I'm sorry. I just wanted to be alone, needed my solitude. You cant expect someone who has been a loner all his life, to just 'fit in'. I needed you so much then.

I remember our last 'date' fondly. Had a picnic, and then we went to Primrose Hill. Overlooking all the cities and towns, north, south, east and west. After 5 months, it suddenly kicked in, I'm dating YOU! I'm with the girl I want to be the rest of my life with. That was the best date ever. Talking about everything, with the lightning and thunder falling only meters above our heads. Even though we've been dating for awhile, I fell madly and deeply in love with you right then. Almost like "Lady in Red". Seeing the prettiest girl, in a busy place, and then a few seconds later, realizing that it you! My love! My hearts desire.

I remember the few times, you would bring up marriage, and I would avoid the topic. Not that I didn't want to marry you. I want NOTHING more to wake up with you every morning. I just wasn't ready, I was unprepared emotionally, financially.

What gets me the most, is that the biggest pain in my life, could have been averted, if you just told me about my neglect. I would have changed in an instant, if I knew, you were going to leave me. I would have moved closer to your house in the same week. Would have serenaded you with every single song you liked. Would have showered and blanketed you with poems and flowers and hands and affection.

You wouldn't even give me the opportunity to explain myself, to try and reconcile, to apologize, to make a lasting promise of improvement. You left my heart in shambles for someone else, who didn't give a fuck about you.
I know how you felt, knowing the person you love, is in love with someone else. Know how you felt, when he slept with someone else. The desperation, depression and futility that eats away at night, while you are lying in your bed, alone.

Even though, afterwards, I wanted to cut ties. Cut our friendship. You didn't deserve to have the best of both worlds. Persuing the your love, AND still having me as a friend. In all honesty, my friendship, was only a way of trying to win you back. One of the countless desperate tactics I tried. And I tried everything.

I saw in slow frame, how our friendship fell apart. My jealousy, and your hardheadedness. The same hardness, that prevented you from even listening to me. Considering my side of the story. I wish you would have given me a second chance. Of all the things Ive done wrong, and taken responsibility for, I just wish you could have granted me a second chance.

And now I am here, clothes of a grownup, soul of a child, and the broken heart of a defeated individual who has lost count the amount of times I have prayed for you, but denied by wish.

I STILL, still love you more than anything I couldn't even measure or describe in a poetic
sense, to try and make you understand. Even though my heart is dead with despair, its still a bottomless well of my feelings for you. A love that grows stronger, the further I am away from you. More powerful, the less I hear from you. I hate myself so much.

I know, I'm going to grow old alone. Because I let the person, the one person who loved me in this life, slip through my fingers. I could never date anyone else, after knowing you, those short 5 months. My suffering is God punishing me, for losing His gift, His blessing.

I started publishing my poems online just for you. My continued postings I hope, as a tribute to you. Evidence, that my heart will never cut ties with your heart. I just wish, I didn't have to drink a bottle of wine all by myself in morbid 'celebration'. In a fairytale world, you will come back to me by the end of the movie. Unfortunately life is harsh, and I'm a poor student.

This is the Life

"Been a crazy two weeks. Feels like I'm manic between
regrets, and merely just being content with living.
But in rare moments, every now and then,
Im ever so thankful for being alive.
Its always the small things." - brokenpoet

Hair combed, walking tall, but feel oh so defeated
Smile, uncomfortable stares with the girls on the train
For awhile, a refrain for the barely breathing
Penning songs and poems, each sadder than the one before
For a glance, Im taking in, the mountains and these shores
When I realise, this is it, this is life, this is now, and memories
Im not a modern day Jesus, born to carry the burden
Ive got nothing to lose, but my thoughts of you
Unfortunately not a supernatural being, no different
Nothing to set me apart, nothing but the square of my heart

If I have given up, then why does life keep moving
Wheres the control panel, with speed buttons
and volume knobs and equalisers and photoshop brushes
If just from my overanalysis of myself, salf from the silence
Without the voice that luls me to sleep with my regrets
If only to wake with careful optimism, breathing in the day
Seeing in the people, the places, stretching out, not
knowing what you will find, is the life


* 27^35105 * 27^35106 * 27^35107 * 27^35108 *


Waiting outside houses at 3am, giggling, crazy getty
Chief off the first hit, combat naps in airplanes and backseats
Attention spam, and too much San Andreas

Nuking the fridge of life

Antistrophe of a broken friendship

Maybe love was real… but it faded, not that it wanted to do, but that the one you fall in love with change into someone you never expected. Someone you simply can never love!! - You

In the end, I was the poor heart broken sod to blame
My own fault, exaggerated by your sense of correctness
When we both, unchangeably chose to be right, even though,
You and I, were so dead wrong, but chose to digress
down the road of personal insults and hurtfulness, in my own
vein attempt to try, and win you back

Realizations, trying to justify, the uncertain reasoning,
my own explanations, why I couldn't call, or see
you more than once a week, from past experiences
of oh-so-dysfunctional relationships and torture sessions
Or why you could never say goodbye,
in a face to face encounter, over coffee or casually
while breaking my heart, with your
written letters, which, you wouldn't never deliver
in self-imposed aggravations, self-torture,
in which I would read them over and over again.

How I hate myself, for phoning you without signs of relenting,
wishing somehow, you would just allow me,
the slightest of chances to try and patch up the friendship,
The 0.5 % chance that you would answer, even though
we promised last time, there will not be another recourse

Please understand, the insensitivity, of leaving me
with a letter, no, face-to-face goodbye,
after my last tormentor escaped
closure, by leaving me with a note
before ending it all, slit wrists, and left me
facing with the undeniable realization,
that I cant do anything about it:

I cant bring her, or you back

Unfortunately now, there is no way to
reconcile, no way to soak up the blood
stained tiles, where my heart was last left
on a pile of an in forgivable mess
Try and scurry over the floor, on
my blood stained knees, horrific
site, of a desperate poet, trying
to clean up this mess

I hate it, that we both, couldn't let it die,
left me with the epitome of hurt and lone,
when, it all, could have been, settled
with a face-to-face goodbye

I am the original Emo
And I hate myself for it