#100 - An Open Letter Of Remorse
I really did wish, my heart would have found happiness by the 100th post. Unfortunately, still plagued with my memories of you. Funny how I could easily forget our anniversary, but I cannot forget you. Now you're gone. And here I am 'celebrating' my hundreth post, wishing I could turn back time.
Strange how, we really only appreciate someone, once we have lost them. I don't know what I was thinking with you. I spent 3 years trying to win your heart over. Endured a year of torture, while you were dating your first real love. A year of waiting for mine, enduring the conjured thoughts of you, and him, and closed doors. You came back to me! Even then, I tried so hard, until the day, that you decided to give me the benefit of your doubt. A few weeks before your birthday. From there, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it was because Ive been alone for so long. Maybe because I'm an old, worn soul and you were my first girlfriend. I neglected you, because I wanted to be alone. Turned down an opportunity to go with you on holiday, because I wanted to be alone. Canceled a Christmas lunch with your family, because I wanted to be alone.
While you deserved nothing more than my complete attention, my complete dedication.
And I'm sorry. I just wanted to be alone, needed my solitude. You cant expect someone who has been a loner all his life, to just 'fit in'. I needed you so much then.
I remember our last 'date' fondly. Had a picnic, and then we went to Primrose Hill. Overlooking all the cities and towns, north, south, east and west. After 5 months, it suddenly kicked in, I'm dating YOU! I'm with the girl I want to be the rest of my life with. That was the best date ever. Talking about everything, with the lightning and thunder falling only meters above our heads. Even though we've been dating for awhile, I fell madly and deeply in love with you right then. Almost like "Lady in Red". Seeing the prettiest girl, in a busy place, and then a few seconds later, realizing that it you! My love! My hearts desire.
I remember the few times, you would bring up marriage, and I would avoid the topic. Not that I didn't want to marry you. I want NOTHING more to wake up with you every morning. I just wasn't ready, I was unprepared emotionally, financially.
What gets me the most, is that the biggest pain in my life, could have been averted, if you just told me about my neglect. I would have changed in an instant, if I knew, you were going to leave me. I would have moved closer to your house in the same week. Would have serenaded you with every single song you liked. Would have showered and blanketed you with poems and flowers and hands and affection.
You wouldn't even give me the opportunity to explain myself, to try and reconcile, to apologize, to make a lasting promise of improvement. You left my heart in shambles for someone else, who didn't give a fuck about you.
I know how you felt, knowing the person you love, is in love with someone else. Know how you felt, when he slept with someone else. The desperation, depression and futility that eats away at night, while you are lying in your bed, alone.
Even though, afterwards, I wanted to cut ties. Cut our friendship. You didn't deserve to have the best of both worlds. Persuing the your love, AND still having me as a friend. In all honesty, my friendship, was only a way of trying to win you back. One of the countless desperate tactics I tried. And I tried everything.
I saw in slow frame, how our friendship fell apart. My jealousy, and your hardheadedness. The same hardness, that prevented you from even listening to me. Considering my side of the story. I wish you would have given me a second chance. Of all the things Ive done wrong, and taken responsibility for, I just wish you could have granted me a second chance.
And now I am here, clothes of a grownup, soul of a child, and the broken heart of a defeated individual who has lost count the amount of times I have prayed for you, but denied by wish.
I STILL, still love you more than anything I couldn't even measure or describe in a poetic
sense, to try and make you understand. Even though my heart is dead with despair, its still a bottomless well of my feelings for you. A love that grows stronger, the further I am away from you. More powerful, the less I hear from you. I hate myself so much.
I know, I'm going to grow old alone. Because I let the person, the one person who loved me in this life, slip through my fingers. I could never date anyone else, after knowing you, those short 5 months. My suffering is God punishing me, for losing His gift, His blessing.
I started publishing my poems online just for you. My continued postings I hope, as a tribute to you. Evidence, that my heart will never cut ties with your heart. I just wish, I didn't have to drink a bottle of wine all by myself in morbid 'celebration'. In a fairytale world, you will come back to me by the end of the movie. Unfortunately life is harsh, and I'm a poor student.
Strange how, we really only appreciate someone, once we have lost them. I don't know what I was thinking with you. I spent 3 years trying to win your heart over. Endured a year of torture, while you were dating your first real love. A year of waiting for mine, enduring the conjured thoughts of you, and him, and closed doors. You came back to me! Even then, I tried so hard, until the day, that you decided to give me the benefit of your doubt. A few weeks before your birthday. From there, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it was because Ive been alone for so long. Maybe because I'm an old, worn soul and you were my first girlfriend. I neglected you, because I wanted to be alone. Turned down an opportunity to go with you on holiday, because I wanted to be alone. Canceled a Christmas lunch with your family, because I wanted to be alone.
While you deserved nothing more than my complete attention, my complete dedication.
And I'm sorry. I just wanted to be alone, needed my solitude. You cant expect someone who has been a loner all his life, to just 'fit in'. I needed you so much then.
I remember our last 'date' fondly. Had a picnic, and then we went to Primrose Hill. Overlooking all the cities and towns, north, south, east and west. After 5 months, it suddenly kicked in, I'm dating YOU! I'm with the girl I want to be the rest of my life with. That was the best date ever. Talking about everything, with the lightning and thunder falling only meters above our heads. Even though we've been dating for awhile, I fell madly and deeply in love with you right then. Almost like "Lady in Red". Seeing the prettiest girl, in a busy place, and then a few seconds later, realizing that it you! My love! My hearts desire.
I remember the few times, you would bring up marriage, and I would avoid the topic. Not that I didn't want to marry you. I want NOTHING more to wake up with you every morning. I just wasn't ready, I was unprepared emotionally, financially.
What gets me the most, is that the biggest pain in my life, could have been averted, if you just told me about my neglect. I would have changed in an instant, if I knew, you were going to leave me. I would have moved closer to your house in the same week. Would have serenaded you with every single song you liked. Would have showered and blanketed you with poems and flowers and hands and affection.
You wouldn't even give me the opportunity to explain myself, to try and reconcile, to apologize, to make a lasting promise of improvement. You left my heart in shambles for someone else, who didn't give a fuck about you.
I know how you felt, knowing the person you love, is in love with someone else. Know how you felt, when he slept with someone else. The desperation, depression and futility that eats away at night, while you are lying in your bed, alone.
Even though, afterwards, I wanted to cut ties. Cut our friendship. You didn't deserve to have the best of both worlds. Persuing the your love, AND still having me as a friend. In all honesty, my friendship, was only a way of trying to win you back. One of the countless desperate tactics I tried. And I tried everything.
I saw in slow frame, how our friendship fell apart. My jealousy, and your hardheadedness. The same hardness, that prevented you from even listening to me. Considering my side of the story. I wish you would have given me a second chance. Of all the things Ive done wrong, and taken responsibility for, I just wish you could have granted me a second chance.
And now I am here, clothes of a grownup, soul of a child, and the broken heart of a defeated individual who has lost count the amount of times I have prayed for you, but denied by wish.
I STILL, still love you more than anything I couldn't even measure or describe in a poetic
sense, to try and make you understand. Even though my heart is dead with despair, its still a bottomless well of my feelings for you. A love that grows stronger, the further I am away from you. More powerful, the less I hear from you. I hate myself so much.
I know, I'm going to grow old alone. Because I let the person, the one person who loved me in this life, slip through my fingers. I could never date anyone else, after knowing you, those short 5 months. My suffering is God punishing me, for losing His gift, His blessing.
I started publishing my poems online just for you. My continued postings I hope, as a tribute to you. Evidence, that my heart will never cut ties with your heart. I just wish, I didn't have to drink a bottle of wine all by myself in morbid 'celebration'. In a fairytale world, you will come back to me by the end of the movie. Unfortunately life is harsh, and I'm a poor student.
posted by Sinudeity at
2:05 pm
1 Comments:
Do not let the cut hurt more than it should. Chase after this woman. If that happens to fail... mourn, but not too long. Love is the biggest 4 letter word a person can use, aside from hate. Life does not last forever, do not use it up by mourning through all of it. Smile, open up, look for new stars. Some things you may never get back. But make the most of what you do have.
By
Anonymous, At
5:35 pm
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